The pumpkin spice-pocalypse

If there’s one thing that makes fall complete, it’s a million different products infused with the pumpkin spice.

Rachel Frizzell, Chattanooga, Tenn. –

Candles

Let’s start with the obvious. I like to think that this is where the trend of pumpkin-spiced products began. People loved the smell of pumpkin pies baking in their home.

However, not everyone had time to bake a pie everyday, but they still wanted to feel comforted by the delightful smell. So Bath and Body caught the whiff and wanted to make some serious cash off everyone’s fragile feelings and lust for pumpkin smells. Bam! ‘Twas the birth of all the candles and room air fresheners but also a slippery slope for all mankind.

Pumpkin spice latte or PSL 

After everyone filled their homes with candles burning pumpkin wonderfulness all day and night, people got hungry, or should I say thirsty. Starbucks knew this and cranked out another one of their highly addictive drinks, the PSL.

Starbucks knew people didn’t have the time to make a pie everyday, so they snuck it into a drink.

Morning coffee run? PSL. Afternoon pick-me-up? PSL. A treat yourself moment? PSL.

Candles are where the trend started, but Starbucks cultivated the addiction.

Pumpkin spice cereal 

After the addition was formed and well underway, things started getting weird. The pumpkin spice flavor is found in just about every cereal. Cheerios, Frosted Wheaties, Granola. It doesn’t stop.

Now you can smell, drink and eat your pumpkin all at the same time. Go for it, you deranged-pumpkin-loving heathen.

Sarah Graham, Chattanooga, Tenn. –

Pumpkin spice burger

Human nature is predictable; we take something amazing and turn it into something so cringe-worthy it’s almost funny.

The innocence of pumpkin spice was corrupted much the same way the internet or Nicolas Cage movies were, by people who didn’t know when enough was enough.

Enter the Puckett’s October specialty: the Pumpkin Spice Burger. Created, obviously, because no other flavor is allowed to be associated with October other than pumpkin spice. I think Congress made it into law in 2012.

Pumpkin spice peeps 

That’s right, not even Easter’s favorite marshmallow delight is sacred in this pumpkin-obsessed world.

If the idea of spiced marshmallow isn’t strange enough, it’s also dipped in white chocolate, which is arguably the worst kind of chocolate.

Colored a strange orange-brown that’s reminiscent of early 2000s fake tans, the flavor says, “Try me!” but the eyes say, “Stop this madness, we’re begging you.”

Pumpkin spice protein powder

This whey protein is for the guy that’s secretly obsessed with PSLs but doesn’t want his bros to think he’s “basic.” Enjoy the cliched flavors of fall while still getting gains, all while keeping your manly aversion to flavored coffee well in tact.

For those still on the fence, the package has a very intimidating orange and grey skull on it, the symbol of fall-conscious dudes everywhere.

You get extra points if you put it in a PSL, then get your additional protein fix with the pumpkin spice burger.

 

Hayden Seay

Hayden Seay

Features Editor

Majoring in communication and history, Hayden just wants to write. He is currently writing his first novel, but also plans on delving into historical and political writing. He avidly reads and plays video games, and will debate over which breed of cat is the most adorable. To read more of his work, click here.

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